Rise of the Under Toad: The Tragic Life of Joe Rogan

For as far back as Duncan could remember, he and Joe had gone every summer to Dog’s Head Harbor, New Hampshire, where the miles of beach were ravaged by a fearful undertow. ■ Patreon https://www.patreon.com/TheElephantGraveyard ■ Substack https://theelephantgraveyard.substack.com/ ■ Paypal https://paypal.me/TheElephantGraveyard ■ Donate https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=Y3H44QN7LNF7N ■ Podcast https://theelephantgraveyard.substack.com/podcast ■ Music https://theelephantgraveyard.bandcamp.com/ ■ IG https://www.instagram.com/tuskdust/ When Joe would venture near the water, Duncan said to him "watch out for the undertow." Joe retreated, respectfully. And for three summers Joe was warned about the undertow. Duncan recalled all the phrases. "The undertow is bad today." "The undertow is strong today." And for years Joe reached out for it. From the first, when he asked what it could do to you, he had only been told that it could pull you out to sea. It could suck you under and drown you and drag you away. It was Joe's fourth summer at Dog’s Head Harbor, when Duncan observed Joe watching the sea. He stood ankle-deep in the foam from the surf and peered into the waves, without taking a step, for the longest time. The family went down to the water’s edge to have a word with him. "What are you looking for, dummy?" Duncan asked him. "I’m trying to see the Under Toad," Joe said. "The what?" said Duncan. "The Under Toad," Joe said. "I’m trying to see it. How big is it?" And Duncan held his breath; he realized that all these years Joe had been dreading a giant toad, lurking offshore, waiting to suck him under and drag him out to sea. The terrible Under Toad. Would it ever surface? Did it ever float? Or was it always down under, slimy and bloated and ever-watchful for ankles its coated tongue could snare? The vile Under Toad. The Under Toad became a code phrase for anxiety. Long after the monster was clarified for Joe, they evoked the beast as a way of referring to their own sense of danger. When the traffic was heavy, when the road was icy – when depression had moved in overnight – they said to each other, "The Under Toad is strong today." "Remember," Duncan thought to himself, "how Joe asked if it was green or brown?" Duncan laughed. But it was neither green nor brown, he thought. It was me. It was you. It was the color of bad weather. It was the size of an automobile. Featuring Joe Rogan, the spectral essence of Joe Rogan’s father Joseph Rogan Sr., Duncan Trussell, the moon landing denier who punched Buzz Aldrin, and Carl Sagan.